The worst billiard player I ever saw I never really saw in my life. I've heard about him, and heard him speak; I've walked with him, I've I won't deceive you ; it's me.
When I go into a billiard handicap, they have to paste an extra foot of paper on the bottom of the card to get my name into the handicap. In a game of 250 up I'm usually on the 249 mark, and it's a slight shade of odds on my starting by giving three away.
I do not blame myself for being the worst player in the world - I am rather proud of it. My failure to connect with a six break is not due to my lack of skill; it is entirely owing to my inventive genius, and my passion for investigation and more important in its bearing upon the game, my anxiety to get away from the beaten and conventional path.
Some players when they see the red over a hole pot it : others make a losing hazard. I prefer to attempt a cannon. If my opponent's ball is off the table at the time I am not perturbed by my oversight. All the more meritorious would that shot have been if I had succeeded. In music, and in musical examinations, something is allowed for theory: the omission of this provision in billiards is to my mind one of the serious drawbacks of the game. There should be marks for strokes actually made, and marks for theoretical strokes, that is to say if the player can explain to the satisfaction of the marker what his idea was, and if the marker thinks that stroke would have been possible if Roberts were playing, the theorist shall score.
This, to my mind, would be a vast improvement in the game. Now the reason I am the worst player in the world is because I am probably (I say it in all modesty) one of the finest theorists. I have been described by indigent but enthusiastic friends as the Napoleon of Billiards. It may not be generally know that long before the coming of George Gray to this country I discovered the fact that if I went in off red, into the middle pocket, and hit the object ball with such force that it went straight up the table, hit the cushion and came back to the place it was originally, I could continue the process; ad infinitum. Nobody ever gave me credit for this brain work. I have nothing to say against George Gray, and I do not suggest that he took my idea, but it is very significant that most of his wonderful breaks are scored according to my theory.
As a matter of fact the curse of billiards is the monotonous and conservative method of scoring. Its best friend must admit that the game needs variety. As it now stands one scores :
Though I have frequently scored from one of these causes, I still contend that there is room for innovation — innovations which would, I feel sure, add considerably to the interest of the game. Accordingly I venture to suggest to those authorities responsible for framing the rules of billiards the following additions:
Should a player attempt what may appear to the ignorant and unlettered an impossible stroke, saying at the same time in a loud voice "Theory!" the marker snail allot such marks as his friendship for the player dictates. If the other player or players object they shall lose two points and be compelled to play from baulk.
A player who strikes and fails to hit any ball on the table shall score two. (This is really a very difficult stroke, and it is monstrous that hitherto it has not received the recognition to which it is entitled.)
A player using his own private chalk shall give his opponent (if he uses public chalk) five points in every fifty. In the event of both players using their own chalk, the one with blue or green chalk shall be held to hold the advantage, and give three points in every fifty. (I have often noticed that the players who produce from their waistcoat pockets little cubes of unauthorised chalk are the best players, and this rule will-help to Level up the man who goes groping about in the air for the chalk that is tucked away under the billiard table.)
If a player should fail to score, and should, in response to the sarcastic observations of a spectator, utter a witticism which, in the opinion of the marker is worthy of repeating, he shall score six. These are only the merest outlines: given the time, I could frame rules which would place the worst player in the world on an equality with the best.