First of all, the game was invented by a man named Bill, who had a yard in which the game was played. Hence we get Billsyard-Bill'yard-Billiard. The name "cue" of course is derived from the French queue, which presumably means a cue, though I neither know nor care.
To play the game is comparatively easy. There are three ways of scoring, a common, pot, or fluke, this last of course being the main shot of a beginner, and also of any man who happens to beat you in a game.
There is a fourth way, and that is to push on your score while your opponent is occupied in chalking his cue, or viewing life through the bottom of a glass. This last method should only be practised at rare intervals, and when your opponent is a tiny man.
If caught, it is frequently possible to hide your confusion by accusing your opponent of putting his score on to yours.
Now as to the conduct of the game. If asked to have a game, the first thing to do is to be nonchalant, as this gives an impression that you are a cool player. Grab a cue by the thick end, lay it on the table and roll it along.
If it bumps, either the cue or the table is not straight. If your opponent has a favourite or private cue, borrow it. This will handicap him. If he is reluctant to lend the cue, at the first opportunity knock off the tip or wet it.
If it happens to be a private table mention that the cushions are hard, and that the cloth is distinctly in bad condition, and suggest that you only propose to knock the balls about.
Ask your host for pink chalk, and if he expresses any surprise, annihilate him with a caustic look, saying that pink or amber chalk is now used by all the well-known players owing to the proportion of lime that it contains.
Start the game by stampeding your ball up and down the table, being careful not to disturb the red which is peacefully reposing at the other end of the table. Your opponent will now endeavour to score, but just as he is looking along his cue bend down and look along it from the other direction, and suggest that it looks quite straight. Another useful idea is to accuse him of playing with the wrong ball.
His nerve will gradually give way, and an easy victory will be yours. Remember, that should the opportunity occur, you are supposed to lie full length along the table, but etiquette strictly demands that you should keep one foot in the D.
If you get a chance try a few fancy shots, as they will create a good impression, and you will no doubt leave something similar upon the table. Try to screw back, only make sure to hit the table instead of the ball. If you tear up a foot of cloth, your host will gradually turn pale green and smile a sickly sort of smile, but the onlookers will laugh uproariously; after all, in this world you cannot please everybody.
French billiards I will pass over, as the cues and balls are too heavy for normal people. I played once and ever since have been haunted by dreams of a game played with cannon-balls and telegraph poles. But there is one great game known as country-inn billiards which is well worth study. Gilbert (or was it Sullivan) has aptly described the implements as "a cloth untrue, a twisted cue, and elliptical billiard balls," but, truthfully speaking, that is paying them a compliment. You walk into an old, old inn and pick up an old, old billiard cue, and immediately one leg falls off the table; one ball has been a billiard ball, but the others come from a ping-pong set. Your first shot carries one ball through the closed windows, and after that the innkeeper suggests that you should play at darts or skittles, or drink more of his excellent beer; and the last is the cheapest, if there happen to be any of the local inhabitants in the inn.
Russian Pool, Slosh, Pyramids, Snooker and Shell-out I strongly advise to be left alone. They are purely money-making games, and unless you happen to be doing the moneymaking I can't see much point in playing. I am told that billiards is also played upon an octagonal table, but I have never seen the game. On the other hand, I have seen an ordinary table when it looked distinctly octagonal; but that of course is another story.
Having told you quite a lot about the pastime, I will close by remarking that I am really a very good player; in fact, there is no one who can touch me in our local club at Hoodlum Hey with Slopton Magna.
In conclusion, I think I ought to mention that if you intend to take up billiards seriously it is better to give up work. Personally, I am a Civil Servant, so the necessity does not arise in my case.